I don't have a suspenseful story laced with adventure, spies and Aston Martins as all the hit narratives seem to include, as I had a fairly normal childhood. I grew up in a Christian home, with two happily married parents and two siblings, attended a Christian school and attended frequent piano lessons. There wasn't much out of the ordinary, but for as long as I can remember, I seem to function best when I had the approval of people around me. I used to always seem to care about what others thought from how I was perceived by them, to the grades that I got on my tests. This became frustrating and tedious as I always seemed to be looking over my shoulder to see if someone was watching.
As I entered grade 7 though, I found everything changed. As I started to grow older, my skin took a turn for the worse and for the next 5 years, I would find my complexion to be riddled with unseemly spots and bumps. This took a colossal chunk out of my self-esteem as I began to lose confidence in my worth, my usefulness and regard myself as ugly and not worth other’s time. I grew to despise leaving the house simply because of how I looked and the glances of pity that were inevitable as I walked about outside. No longer would I look around to see if what I was doing was good enough because I knew that it would not be up to standards, no matter what.
In my second last year of high school, I started dating a boy with whom I worked. He loved me despite the dreadful complexion and because of this, I felt myself opening up to him like I hadn’t really to others before. He made me feel as if I was indeed beautiful and had something unique to offer. It was as all first romances should be- innocent and rather blissful, until (amongst other things) my desire to please everyone around me flared up and I was caught in the middle of a rather messy situation in which my father and boyfriend seemed to completely be at odds. We dated for nearly a year before I grew so frayed that we had to break up.
As I left the relationship, I felt a sense of disconnection from my surroundings- I was back to feeling repulsive about myself and pessimistic about my surroundings. I drew inward and internalized all of my emotions, only showing people tasks that I had accomplished or projects that I had done well as I didn’t feel the right to be accepted.
During my first year of university, I found that simply internalizing all of the pain and frustration that I had experienced would by no means fix my problems and began to unravel some of the cords that held me together. I started to search for an outlet in order to pour my heart into and through guidance and forgiveness in thinking about my past, reestablished the peace and calm that was found only Jesus. He accepted me as I was without judging my skin, without judging my pessimism or the hurt that I had endured from my break-up.
Jesus took the negativity that had built up into a nasty mound in me and ‘took out the trash’, starting me new again within Him. The relationship that has grown over the following years has ignited a passion into me that won’t just settle for the ordinary. No longer do I have to do things for the acceptance of people around me but rather for the acceptance of God. My faith that I had growing up has only exploded into something that actually makes sense and I find that I no longer have to put on a dress and go to church to please my family. Jesus took my life and allowed me not to seek acceptance above everything else as He simply loves me for me.
~ Anonymous
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