I grew up in a Christian home all my life, going to church, and sitting in the pew counting the minutes until the service was over, it was always just something we did. Something changed in grade 10 when our church got a youth pastor who was really able to relate to the kinds of things that I was going through and he took us to a winter retreat, where, for the first time, I really understood what it meant that Jesus died on the cross for me and this is when I decided to follow Jesus for good.
But my high school was a small place, where everyone knew everything about everyone. I was put into a stereotype of the good-girl who played sports and got good grades, didn’t drink and didn’t have fun.
There was no way I wanted to add to what people already thought of me by spreading it around that I love Jesus, so I kept it a secret and tried my best to live a good Christian life on my own. By the time grade 12 came around, I was really sick of being the good-girl and I saw this huge opportunity I had. I’m going to university, I can be whoever I want to be, no one knows me, and I can start all over. I thought, this time around, I’m not missing out on the parties, after all, how will I make friends. I was going to prove everyone in my high school wrong. For the first few months I didn’t drink, but people started noticing, and I knew it was happening again. Great, I’m going to be known as the good-girl again.
There was no way I was letting that happen, so I started drinking. I thought that university served the purpose of me ‘finding myself’. Try all sorts of new things and figure out who I really am. I had to make as many friends as I could, and how else do you make friends other than doing what everyone else seemed to be doing, drinking together and having a great time? I would go to church, just out of habit, and to still be able to call myself a Christian, but that’s not at all how I was acting.
In the summer I turned 19, here it was, I was free to do whatever I wanted. My purpose was to have fun, make sure I had something to do on the weekend, and just make sure I wasn’t hurting anyone along the way. What’s the harm in that right? I wasn’t being stupid about it.
When I got back to school in the fall, things continued on this way, but I was getting exhausted. In the back of my mind, I could help feeling like I wasn’t being myself, but I would quickly brush that aside and go out on the weekend and have the time of my life.
But one night, everything became so real to me. I began questioning everything and who I was becoming. What was the point of all this? What was going to happen after university... you can’t party like this forever... so then what?
I took a good hard look at myself and really thought hard about my life and what the point of everything was. Where was I going to be headed if I kept living like this?
I looked over to my nightstand where my bible was sitting, and it had been there, untouched for quite a long time. I started reading it and I came across a verse from Romans 8:38 and it said this “And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow – not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love.”
After reading that, everything became so clear to me. My God loves me, no matter what, unconditionally, and nothing can take that away from me. But for the people I was hanging out with, for them to want me to hang out with them I would have to be drinking or they thought I was weird… there’s something wrong with that. I want to be able to be myself, I want to know my purpose in this life. And I found it!
Why wouldn’t I want to live a life for a God who will always love me, when that’s not always the case with people around me. I figured out that my purpose was to show love and kindness on behalf of this God to everyone I come in contact with.
God gave me a great group of friends here at Campus for Christ. A group of people who understand what it’s like to be under pressure to live the ‘university life’. I’ve become really good friends with a lot of the people here, and I know that I don’t have to change a thing about myself to fit in with them.
What a relief to know that I am not alone! Knowing that I am certain of my purpose in life gives me a whole new sense of peace, and that just makes me happy! Now, I have a passion for life, I know what I live for, and that’s what makes me smile every day.
~ HM, Waterloo CA
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