The Cost of "Freedom"

I tried to leverage the ‘freedom’ I had. I’d brag about about not having to attend obligatory family dinners, not needing permission to hang out with certain people or go to certain places, exude thankfulness for not having overbearing parents or pressures.


Growing up, I had the freedom to do virtually whatever I wanted. I don’t remember having to follow any rules, I didn’t have a curfew, I wasn’t micromanaged, I didn’t have to ask permission to do anything. I didn’t have to say where I was going, who I was with, or when I was coming home. My parents thought I was fine on my own.

But I started to want what a “normal,” typical, nuclear family looked like. I wanted the cliche, not merely for the sake of it, but because many of my friends actually had it. To have scheduled family dinners, holiday traditions, vacations to the cottage, resort, or time-share. Or, to simply talk about life-- we didn’t talk about much of anything in my family.

However, I would spin all of my circumstances to make my experience sound attractive and fun. I tried to leverage the ‘freedom’ I had. I’d brag about about not having to attend obligatory family dinners, not needing permission to hang out with certain people or go to certain places, exude thankfulness for not having overbearing parents or pressures.

But I knew even those who had what seemed “picture perfect” had difficulties too. So, what I really wanted wasn’t the cliche per se. What I actually craved was affirmation. I realized this as I became much more aware of my parents absence in many areas of my life (even though I knew they loved me). For example, I don’t remember ever being asked “how are you?” (even in a casual way) until I moved away from home.

“Affirmation” is the assertion that something exists or is true (that’s what dictionary.com says). I wanted to know that I-- who I am, meant something. Meant something significant. That I had great worth. To someone. I’d look for affirmation in my circumstances, relationships, achievements, and even my faith in God.

Many things would fall short but what I’ve found in faith in Christ has not been a cop-out or empty, banal platitudes. God placed in me my worth. God actively demonstrates his love for me in many ways. His ultimate affirmation on my life-- that I matter, that I’m loved and am significant, is that Jesus willingly died for me, for my crap, so that I could be in relationship with God. You don’t do that kind of stuff for no reason. God’s grace shows me that I’m good reason.

~ Steph Hsieh, Calgary CA