~Oprah
As far as I knew, my family life was pretty normal, but finding out about my dad’s addiction made me question everyone and everything in my life.
I was raised in a Christian home and attended a Christian elementary and high school. I always thought that God was real, but as I grew older I began to see that reading the Bible and praying became more of a ritualistic than anything else; it was something we did before classes and lunch every day at school and something we did together as a family before dinner. That’s about as far as it went for me.
I didn’t take the time to try and build a personal relationship with God until I was in high school; it was then that I decided to make time for God every night before bed. I read my Bible and prayed a lot but I always wondered if God actually heard me. I expected God to answer my prayers quickly and with the responses that I wanted; but this was not the case and it drove me to doubt. After continuing to pray and not seeing any answered prayers I began to ask God to give me a sign. I wanted Him to let me know that He was there and that He was hearing me; I told Him that I didn’t care if He was going to show me something I would like or not, I just needed something. I prayed for this for quite a long time before He gave me an answer, and it was definitely not something I was expecting.
It was then that I found out that my dad was going to rehab. He had a drug problem. There are no words to express how betrayed I felt.
As far as I knew, my family life was pretty normal, but finding out about my dad’s addiction made me question everyone and everything in my life. I felt as though there was no one I could trust anymore. How could I trust anyone when the two most important people in my life, my parents, had been keeping such a huge secret from me? I was angry at my dad because of the drugs, and because he didn’t have the guts to tell me himself (he left that to my mom). And I was angry at my mom for keeping secrets from me and for covering it up with all of her lies. And finally I was mad at God for choosing to reveal this to me and for allowing it to happen in the first place.
I didn’t trust any of my friends enough to bring it to them and I decided to go through it all alone. I bottled up all my feelings and tried to hide it all away. I went through the rest of high school pretending that nothing had ever happened. After high school I took time off to work and try to figure out what I wanted to do with my life. During this time I was very insecure and afraid to let people know what I had been through and was still struggling with. I didn't interact very well with my co-workers because I didn’t know who I was or how to get over the things I experienced in the past. I threw God to the side during this time and tried to face life all by myself.
Entering university I was still on the fence about God and continued to shove Him off to the side. I attended Church just about every Sunday but did my own thing with the rest of my time. A couple of friends and I decided to rent a house together during our second year. This is when the ‘typical’ university life went into full swing. God was not in control of my life. After coming to the realization that this was not the way to live, one of my roommates and I decided to get straightened out and let God back in our lives. We started attending Campus for Christ meeting more frequently and we sign up for winter conference- a place that would help us grow closer to God and would help us share His message. I was really excited to see how my journey with God would finally progress. A few days before the conference I became really nervous and was second guessing my decision to go, but I had an amazing time growing closer with my roommate and with God.
I have learned many lessons because of what God has revealed to me over the last number of years. I know that there are people in my life that I can trust enough to be able to share my past with. It’s comforting to know that I don’t have to go through life alone; even when people aren’t there for me I can always turn to God. I have also learned about the importance of prayer- no prayer is too big or too small for God. It has been a blessing to be able to pray with and talk to my roommate about everything that is going on in my life. I believe that God will only put obstacles in our lives that He knows we can endure. I was angry and confused as to why God made my dad the way he did and as to why I had to endure this situation, but now I am beginning to recognize some of the good that has come out of it.
I still struggle with being able to give everything over to God. I've been praying about it and can't wait to see what God will do with my life once I have the courage to fully trust in him.
My name is Sarah. I crave the ability to trust and I'm getting it through Jesus!
My scars are yours today.
This story ends so good.
I love you and I understand
that you stood where I stood.
~Flyleaf
~ Sarah, Waterloo CA
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